I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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