I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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