Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
