the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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