Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
