oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
