OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
