I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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