So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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