I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
