Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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