nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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