Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
