I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Less talking, more tequila
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
