I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there's paper in my vomit.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
