i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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