I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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