i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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