I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
