I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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