Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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