he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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