For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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