He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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