mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
