mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
