i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
