watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
