Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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