I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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