Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
