My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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