I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
MIDGETS
????
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
