All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
this boner is exhausting
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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