what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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