Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
