there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
