wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
