A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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