did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
