I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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