K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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