Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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