I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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