you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
