Yo dont text me then not text me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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