Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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