when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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