Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
