Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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