he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
