you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
