4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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