Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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