i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
